People will often attempt to refute the existence of a loving God because in their limited human capacity, they cannot logically wrap their minds around the concept that he can exist amidst a world filled with so much suffering. We don’t argue or question the existence of suffering in the world. Suffering is something we know to be true because we see it all around us, we feel it, we experience it personally, and therefore it becomes a reality. But what if God’s Goodness was something you could experience in the same way? What if his goodness became such an intense reality that we could not argue it or dispute it? How do you live in that kind of paradoxical reality? That is what happened to me; I experienced Gods unimaginable goodness amidst a world plagued by suffering and thus began the journey to discovery how it all works together and what implications does that have on my future.
The thing is that we are human, and while God has given us the ability to think, analyze and reason, we can never fully see thing s through the lens of eternity. God exists outside the limits of time. Our past, present and future are all viewed equally and simultaneously because God is eternal and in his domain time does not exist. He knows where we have been, where we are now and where we are going.
God is bigger than the suffering that goes on in this world. While he could step in at any moment and sovereignly put an end to it, more often than not he will choose to use people to be his hands and his feet. Why did he choose to do it this way? I can’t answer that, however there are a few things I am learning that help me to understand things better.
I often struggle with the concept of free will; it’s something that makes my head spin and my brain hurt. But I look at it this way…if you forced someone to marry you and love you, how much would their love be worth? God has given us choices and ultimately I do believe we have free will. We were created to love God, to know him and be used by him. But he gave us the ability to choose NOT to love him, because only then does his love have any real value. God didn’t want a world full of robots, so he gave us a choice. So what happens to a world full of people who were created to love God, to know him and be known by him, but fail to understand what they were created for? In every human heart God has placed a hunger to be known and loved. It’s more than a hunger, it’s a need. The root of suffering is a need that goes unmet, which then spirals out of control. People go through their lives knowing there is something missing; they spend their entire lives searching for something else to fill that void that only the love of God can fill. The harder people search and seek outside themselves, the more suffering prevails. What ends up happening is you get a population of hurting, broken people, but that’s not the way that God intended for it to be. He is looking for people who are willing to partner with him to attack the suffering through his goodness. To show people who they really are and who they were created to be.
Now I don’t want to insinuate that world change can only come about by people who know God. There are plenty of people in the world who do not know God and they have a heart to see an end to suffering. There are people that make a huge positive impact on society who don’t believe in God at all. But people will always be limited in what they can achieve on human effort alone in the simple fact that they only have eyes to see what is in front of them. Hayfords Bible handbook states it this way, “Time is like a parade that man sees only a segment at a time. But God sees time in it’s entirety.” Without knowing God, you can address a need, you can promote a cause, but you are still limited to only being able to see that one segment of the parade. When you decide to partner with God, he actually gives you eyes to see through the lens of eternity. He gives you divine insight into people’s hearts, how he has created them, how he wants to use them and how to set them free. You are treating not just the symptom, but the disease itself. The amazing thing is that God has the ability to take the worst suffering in our lives and use it for the good, enabling us to make a huge impact in the lives of others.
For school I had to choose from one of the many options of various outreaches where we would basically go out into the community and share the love of God with people. Our goal wasn’t to go out and preach religion or convert people; it was simply to be a living example of God’s love. I prayed over which outreach God wanted me to be a part of and decided on one that reaches out to women in a drug rehab facility. Having grown up around addiction, I really have a heart to see people set free. There were times growing up when I would cry out to God asking him how he could allow something so painful and so destructive to tear apart my family. No rehab, treatment facility, medication or therapy could fix my family until God stepped in and changed everything. Out of that suffering I have a huge testimony of Gods goodness and his ability to restore that which was thought at one point to be irreparable. I sat in this room of about 25 women and I could barely contain my emotions. These were women with amazing gifts, women with potential, women with destinies. In that moment, I knew God had a plan and a purpose behind every negative thing that had every happened to me. He redeemed my suffering by allowing me to be an instrument of hope to these women. The Hebrew root for the word “testimony” is “do again.” I realized that in sharing my testimony with these women it was a prophetic declaration that what God did for me, he would do again for them. And in that moment the paradox of a the goodness of God amidst a world of suffering began to make complete sense to me. I realized that this is what I was created for; to bring the goodness of God into the darkest places so that God can redeem it with his love, seeing both what lies behind and what lies ahead. This was only day one of my outreach, but as I hugged these women goodbye, with tears and hope in their eyes, I knew I was exactly where God wanted me to be. I was flooded with the revelation that no matter what I faced, God knew where I was going, and if I only listen to his voice; he will lead me where he desires, for he is a good God.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Where's Your Focus?
I have been listening to a lot of teachings and doing a lot of reading over the past month here. I wish I had heard some of these things a long time ago, it would have saved me a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache. I wanted to just share some things I read in a workbook I am working through called, “Basic Training for the Supernatural ways of Royalty” by Kris Vallotton. The workbook goes along with the actual book which I have yet to read; but the concept is understanding your identify as a redeemed child of God. Basically, it teaches you how to walk out who you were created to be rather than submitting to the standards that the world tells you to live by. I’m just going to pull portions directly from the book, because it’s so good, Kris is talking about what we believe becoming our reality…
“The first principle of belief to consider is this: that which you focus on will determine your reality. Every day, all day long, our minds are receiving information from the world around us and interpreting our experiences. Our minds filter out that which we have learned to be irrelevant and enable us to focus in on what is most important. ..”
He goes on to talk about the connection between our imaginations, our thoughts and our hearts.
“ That which fills our daydreams and our thoughts - that which is important to us - is connected to the heart, which is the seat of our emotions and desires…This explains why whatever we focus on will become our reality, for that which captures our attention, focus, and imagination will fill our hearts, that which fills our hearts will fill our lives, for life flows from the heart.”
“What I am realizing about many of us is that we spend much of our lives reacting to what we don’t want to be instead of responding to the call of God on our lives. We waste a lot of energy trying not to be something. In order to not be something, I have to keep it in front of me so I can avoid it. The crazy thing is that I reproduce what I imagine. If I see what I don’t want to be, just envisioning it causes me to reproduce it…we break out of this prison by responding to the call of God on our lives and meditating on his vision for us.”
Here he is specifically talking about bitterness and jealousy…
“The point here is that as long as our focus is locked on what we or other people have done or not done, our focus cannot be locked on what we care called to do and what God is doing. Forgiveness is a vital step in repenting of our wrong focus. The lie we believe when we fixate on that which other people have done or have not done to us, as well as that which we have done or not done, is that these things are a greater reality than the reality of that which God has done or will do for us.”
After reading this, I really started to pay attention to what I allowed to consume my thoughts. It says in proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." After reading this, I realized that guarding my heart actually begins in my mind. What I allow to penetrate my thoughts will eventually penetrate my heart, and my heart determines the course of my life. We don't typically consider this when we start to relive the past in our minds, or focus on how we've been hurt, or worry about what someone might be thinking about us. It’s one thing to have a fleeting thought, we’re only human. You might not be responsible for the fleeting thought, but you are responsible for whether you choose to entertain it for an extended period of time. Kris talks about the irony of us actually reproducing the very thing we are trying to avoid. Often times we end up thinking ourselves into a state of discouragement, insecurity or anxiety that actually results in missing the solutions to problems when they come; keeping us trapped in situations we are desperate to be freed from. You can usually determine whether something is worth focusing on by the fruit of those thoughts. Does it solve a problem? Make you feel good about yourself? Make you anxious? Give you hope? Does thinking about this make me feel closer to God or further away from God? I would challenge you to take notice of what happens when you make a conscious decision to change your focus. The battle is won in the mind.
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." - Philippians 4:6
“The first principle of belief to consider is this: that which you focus on will determine your reality. Every day, all day long, our minds are receiving information from the world around us and interpreting our experiences. Our minds filter out that which we have learned to be irrelevant and enable us to focus in on what is most important. ..”
He goes on to talk about the connection between our imaginations, our thoughts and our hearts.
“ That which fills our daydreams and our thoughts - that which is important to us - is connected to the heart, which is the seat of our emotions and desires…This explains why whatever we focus on will become our reality, for that which captures our attention, focus, and imagination will fill our hearts, that which fills our hearts will fill our lives, for life flows from the heart.”
“What I am realizing about many of us is that we spend much of our lives reacting to what we don’t want to be instead of responding to the call of God on our lives. We waste a lot of energy trying not to be something. In order to not be something, I have to keep it in front of me so I can avoid it. The crazy thing is that I reproduce what I imagine. If I see what I don’t want to be, just envisioning it causes me to reproduce it…we break out of this prison by responding to the call of God on our lives and meditating on his vision for us.”
Here he is specifically talking about bitterness and jealousy…
“The point here is that as long as our focus is locked on what we or other people have done or not done, our focus cannot be locked on what we care called to do and what God is doing. Forgiveness is a vital step in repenting of our wrong focus. The lie we believe when we fixate on that which other people have done or have not done to us, as well as that which we have done or not done, is that these things are a greater reality than the reality of that which God has done or will do for us.”
After reading this, I really started to pay attention to what I allowed to consume my thoughts. It says in proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." After reading this, I realized that guarding my heart actually begins in my mind. What I allow to penetrate my thoughts will eventually penetrate my heart, and my heart determines the course of my life. We don't typically consider this when we start to relive the past in our minds, or focus on how we've been hurt, or worry about what someone might be thinking about us. It’s one thing to have a fleeting thought, we’re only human. You might not be responsible for the fleeting thought, but you are responsible for whether you choose to entertain it for an extended period of time. Kris talks about the irony of us actually reproducing the very thing we are trying to avoid. Often times we end up thinking ourselves into a state of discouragement, insecurity or anxiety that actually results in missing the solutions to problems when they come; keeping us trapped in situations we are desperate to be freed from. You can usually determine whether something is worth focusing on by the fruit of those thoughts. Does it solve a problem? Make you feel good about yourself? Make you anxious? Give you hope? Does thinking about this make me feel closer to God or further away from God? I would challenge you to take notice of what happens when you make a conscious decision to change your focus. The battle is won in the mind.
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." - Philippians 4:6
Saturday, October 9, 2010
A Drop from the Head to the Heart...
So I have put off writing for a number of reasons. One, I am learning and experiencing so much, it’s difficult to collect and condense my thoughts, emotions and revelations in to a blog-friendly piece of writing. There is a long trail of events, struggles and breakthroughs and I would love to share them all…but you have to start somewhere right? I’m going to start with Psalm 37:23...
“The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He DELIGHTS in every detail of their lives.”
Now a common theme since I've arrived at Bethel seems to be that God more than just loves his children, he delights in them. It was easy for me to believe God loved me, but delighted in me? I had a hard time with that. There are people you love, but it's almost because you have to. You don’t necessarily delight in everybody you love. I think I always saw God as loving me because he had to, even though I didn't really deserve it. I never imagined God delighted in me. I was really struggling with fear and anxiety the first two weeks I was here. I ended up having a conversation with the people I live with and one of them said, “ I feel like this is going to be a year of really discovering your core beliefs about God; how you see him and how you believe he sees you.” I realized how crucial what you believe about God and the way that he sees you is, because everything you do flows out of that belief. Do you believe God is actually good all the time? Do you believe he loves you desperately? Do you believe he actually delights in you? I almost felt crushed beneath the burden of my own logic and my false beliefs about God. I went to my bedroom after that conversation and decided to write down verses in the bible that talk about God delighting in me. I thought, "This is so cheesy, but something's gotta change."
Psalm 37:23
“The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He DELIGHTS in every detail of their lives.”
Psalm 149:4
“For the Lord DELIGHTS in his people; he crowns the humble with victory.”
Zephaniah 3:17
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great DELIGHT in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
I went to school the next day and the teaching was on prophesy. At the end of the teaching, Kris (the one teaching) had us all stand up and partner off with someone we didn't know, hold hands, pray, and ask God for a prophetic word for that person. So this guy is holding my hands and we're praying and then he starts laughing and says, "Okay, I got a clear word from God! He really wants you to know that he delights in you! That this is just a season where he wants to hold you in his arms and show you what that means." I could tell from the intensity in this kids eyes he had just heard the voice of God so clearly it actually shocked him. THEN we break into revival groups and we do this exercise where we each write our name on a piece of card board and then they collect all the pieces and pass them out again, name down, so you cant see whose it is. Our revival group pastor tells us to ask God for a prophetic word and write it on the card board and then pass it to our right, and continue doing that until they have made it all the way around the room. I was thinking, "This is stupid." But I really asked God to give me words and I wrote whatever I heard on every piece of cardboard. For one I heard "Delight" so I wrote it down. Then they collected them and passed them back to us. When I got mine back, I flip it over and saw the word DELIGHT, in my own hand writing...I had written it on my own piece not knowing it was mine! At this point I can actually sense a shift happening on the inside. For the next two days I felt so overwhelmed with a feeling I can only compare to falling in love. It changes everything; how you view yourself, how you view others, how you view your problems and the future. I went to worship last night and I couldn't stop smiling. I was thinking "Wow, you actually do delight in me..." As I am thinking this, they start playing Cory Asbury's song "Where I belong" The bridge of that song just repeats, "Delight in me, delight in me, delight in me." I felt like my heart was going to explode, I had never experienced anything like it before in my life. My heart came into a new understanding of what my logic was trying to argue. Nobody could have convinced me with scripture or theology, I needed the experience. Experience unlocks mystery, it allows us to perceive things with our whole beings rather than just our minds. It doesn't take believing something to experience it. It simply takes wanting to believe something, and the willingness to say "Okay God, show me...I need to know this for myself." So ask God how he sees you, you will be surprised at his willingness to show you. You are in for the experience of a lifetime!
“The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He DELIGHTS in every detail of their lives.”
Now a common theme since I've arrived at Bethel seems to be that God more than just loves his children, he delights in them. It was easy for me to believe God loved me, but delighted in me? I had a hard time with that. There are people you love, but it's almost because you have to. You don’t necessarily delight in everybody you love. I think I always saw God as loving me because he had to, even though I didn't really deserve it. I never imagined God delighted in me. I was really struggling with fear and anxiety the first two weeks I was here. I ended up having a conversation with the people I live with and one of them said, “ I feel like this is going to be a year of really discovering your core beliefs about God; how you see him and how you believe he sees you.” I realized how crucial what you believe about God and the way that he sees you is, because everything you do flows out of that belief. Do you believe God is actually good all the time? Do you believe he loves you desperately? Do you believe he actually delights in you? I almost felt crushed beneath the burden of my own logic and my false beliefs about God. I went to my bedroom after that conversation and decided to write down verses in the bible that talk about God delighting in me. I thought, "This is so cheesy, but something's gotta change."
Psalm 37:23
“The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He DELIGHTS in every detail of their lives.”
Psalm 149:4
“For the Lord DELIGHTS in his people; he crowns the humble with victory.”
Zephaniah 3:17
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great DELIGHT in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”
I went to school the next day and the teaching was on prophesy. At the end of the teaching, Kris (the one teaching) had us all stand up and partner off with someone we didn't know, hold hands, pray, and ask God for a prophetic word for that person. So this guy is holding my hands and we're praying and then he starts laughing and says, "Okay, I got a clear word from God! He really wants you to know that he delights in you! That this is just a season where he wants to hold you in his arms and show you what that means." I could tell from the intensity in this kids eyes he had just heard the voice of God so clearly it actually shocked him. THEN we break into revival groups and we do this exercise where we each write our name on a piece of card board and then they collect all the pieces and pass them out again, name down, so you cant see whose it is. Our revival group pastor tells us to ask God for a prophetic word and write it on the card board and then pass it to our right, and continue doing that until they have made it all the way around the room. I was thinking, "This is stupid." But I really asked God to give me words and I wrote whatever I heard on every piece of cardboard. For one I heard "Delight" so I wrote it down. Then they collected them and passed them back to us. When I got mine back, I flip it over and saw the word DELIGHT, in my own hand writing...I had written it on my own piece not knowing it was mine! At this point I can actually sense a shift happening on the inside. For the next two days I felt so overwhelmed with a feeling I can only compare to falling in love. It changes everything; how you view yourself, how you view others, how you view your problems and the future. I went to worship last night and I couldn't stop smiling. I was thinking "Wow, you actually do delight in me..." As I am thinking this, they start playing Cory Asbury's song "Where I belong" The bridge of that song just repeats, "Delight in me, delight in me, delight in me." I felt like my heart was going to explode, I had never experienced anything like it before in my life. My heart came into a new understanding of what my logic was trying to argue. Nobody could have convinced me with scripture or theology, I needed the experience. Experience unlocks mystery, it allows us to perceive things with our whole beings rather than just our minds. It doesn't take believing something to experience it. It simply takes wanting to believe something, and the willingness to say "Okay God, show me...I need to know this for myself." So ask God how he sees you, you will be surprised at his willingness to show you. You are in for the experience of a lifetime!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
How did I get here??
I warn you, the answer to that question is a long one. I tried to keep this more like a Blog and less like a book...but there is just so much good stuff to share! This is the condensed version (believe it or not)I hope you make it to the end.
Back in December I had an opportunity to go to Germany for the first ever Worldwide Young Adults Messianic Conference. Hundreds of Jewish believers from all over the world gathered together to celebrate their heritage as a Jewish people and their freedom in the Messiah. During this trip I became increasingly confused due to varying beliefs about whether or not Jewish believers belong in Messianic congregations or Churches. There were several teachings throughout the conference on Jewish Identity and Jewish community. It seemed to be the popular belief among the Messianic community that Jewish believers lose their testimony to the Jewish community when they become assimilated into mainstream churches. One night I went back to my room and I started praying about all the conflicting thoughts and emotions I was experiencing. I was journaling when God began to speak to me. The last thing I wrote before he began speaking was this, “I trust God will reveal to me exactly what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to go.” Then God spoke, and I quickly scribbled down what he said. “September 14th…You’re whole life is about to change…It’s okay, you’re safe with me…Trust me…I have a lot to reveal to you if you only take the time to listen...Max”
Now, sometimes people who aren’t used to hearing the voice of God will ask, “What do you mean God spoke to you?” God can speak to you in a variety of ways. This time it was almost like hearing an audible voice, only it was in my head. I know, sounds a little like schizophrenia, but when you hear the rest of the story you will see that I am not in fact mentally ill, but have an intimate relationship with a God that loves me enough to talk to me! (He loves you enough to talk to you also if you take the time to listen)
I understood most of what God said to me that day, but I really didn’t know what the significance of September 14th was and the Max thing really didn’t make sense. God revealed to me that September 14th was a start date to a school I was supposed to attend, and I heard “and you’ll have a dog named Max.”
Months went by, the conference ended and life went back to normal. I started praying daily, “God, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life. I’ll go wherever you want, just tell me what to do.” Then one day at work I heard the name “Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry” in my head. I immediately went to a computer and googled it. I was reading the description and again heard “September 14th”. I thought to myself, “Okay God, if this school starts on September 14th, I’m going.” When I looked at the calendar for the school my heart sank and I began to cry. School for incoming first year students began on September 14th. I knew right then I was going to be moving to California.
There is so much that happened between the time God told me I was going to California and me actually arriving that attests to His faithfulness, His provision and His very nature. But for months I felt like my world was falling apart and I was a complete wreck. I felt incapable of doing what God was asking of me. This is the biggest sacrifice he ever asked me to make; leaving my friends, my job, my comfort, my security, and mostly…my family. I felt ill equipped to make such a huge move. Where would I live? How would I pay for tuition? How would I pay my rent? Where would I work? Fear started to creep in. I felt completely overwhelmed and didn’t even know where to begin. I just began praying, “God, I thank you that you already know where I will live and how I will pay for everything. I thank you that you have prepared a place for me in advance and I trust that you will get me there. I surrender this whole thing to you.” Despite the fear, deep down I did trust God would take care of me. I made living arrangements with these two girls that seemed amazing. The rent was cheap, the girls were awesome, it seemed perfect. Only immediately after I said, “Yes, I’m in! Let’s make it final!” I felt really unsettled. I prayed that night and very clearly I heard, “Heather, this isn’t what I have for you.” I literally looked up to God and said, “Are you serious!?” I told my friend Jeri what happened the next day. She prayed that God would give me clarity and if it wasn’t his will for me to live there, that he would shut the door and I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. The next morning the girl I was supposed to live with called and left me a voicemail that it wasn’t going to work out. I would have been devastated, but God had prepared me. The only good thing about God saying “This isn’t what I have for you” is, there must be something he DOES have for you! With only weeks before the start of school I went on the churches website where people can list if they are looking for housing. The very first post on the board was a young family from the church looking for someone to rent out a room in their home. They sounded awesome, so I immediately responded. I had a really good feeling about it. Long story short, after Skyping with several other people who also responded, they offered me the room in their home and I accepted. This time I felt so much peace about it. There are so many amazing God stories tied into this whole sequence of events that I would love to share but it would be the longest post ever (if it isn’t already!). But what motivated me to create this post was this…
Tonight when I came home the amazing people I live with told me they decided on a name for the puppy they will be getting in a few weeks. They are going to name him MAX! =) I had totally forgotten what God had said until that moment when all the sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks…wow, this is exactly where I am supposed to be. He had a plan for my life 9 months ago that didn’t change because I was inadequate to live up to what I thought he wanted of me. He did it. He got me here. I was fearful, I had doubts, I was lacking and weak in every way, but God came through…just like he always does. I know I am called to change the world, but that is an overwhelming task. But now I see that it isn’t by my strength that the plan for my life will be fulfilled. It is through my willingness to listen to what He has to say and follow wherever He leads. If you finished reading this post, thank you for sticking through to the end! God has an amazing plan for your life and he has so much to tell you is you only take the time and listen. The world is waiting!
Psalm 40:5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
Back in December I had an opportunity to go to Germany for the first ever Worldwide Young Adults Messianic Conference. Hundreds of Jewish believers from all over the world gathered together to celebrate their heritage as a Jewish people and their freedom in the Messiah. During this trip I became increasingly confused due to varying beliefs about whether or not Jewish believers belong in Messianic congregations or Churches. There were several teachings throughout the conference on Jewish Identity and Jewish community. It seemed to be the popular belief among the Messianic community that Jewish believers lose their testimony to the Jewish community when they become assimilated into mainstream churches. One night I went back to my room and I started praying about all the conflicting thoughts and emotions I was experiencing. I was journaling when God began to speak to me. The last thing I wrote before he began speaking was this, “I trust God will reveal to me exactly what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to go.” Then God spoke, and I quickly scribbled down what he said. “September 14th…You’re whole life is about to change…It’s okay, you’re safe with me…Trust me…I have a lot to reveal to you if you only take the time to listen...Max”
Now, sometimes people who aren’t used to hearing the voice of God will ask, “What do you mean God spoke to you?” God can speak to you in a variety of ways. This time it was almost like hearing an audible voice, only it was in my head. I know, sounds a little like schizophrenia, but when you hear the rest of the story you will see that I am not in fact mentally ill, but have an intimate relationship with a God that loves me enough to talk to me! (He loves you enough to talk to you also if you take the time to listen)
I understood most of what God said to me that day, but I really didn’t know what the significance of September 14th was and the Max thing really didn’t make sense. God revealed to me that September 14th was a start date to a school I was supposed to attend, and I heard “and you’ll have a dog named Max.”
Months went by, the conference ended and life went back to normal. I started praying daily, “God, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life. I’ll go wherever you want, just tell me what to do.” Then one day at work I heard the name “Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry” in my head. I immediately went to a computer and googled it. I was reading the description and again heard “September 14th”. I thought to myself, “Okay God, if this school starts on September 14th, I’m going.” When I looked at the calendar for the school my heart sank and I began to cry. School for incoming first year students began on September 14th. I knew right then I was going to be moving to California.
There is so much that happened between the time God told me I was going to California and me actually arriving that attests to His faithfulness, His provision and His very nature. But for months I felt like my world was falling apart and I was a complete wreck. I felt incapable of doing what God was asking of me. This is the biggest sacrifice he ever asked me to make; leaving my friends, my job, my comfort, my security, and mostly…my family. I felt ill equipped to make such a huge move. Where would I live? How would I pay for tuition? How would I pay my rent? Where would I work? Fear started to creep in. I felt completely overwhelmed and didn’t even know where to begin. I just began praying, “God, I thank you that you already know where I will live and how I will pay for everything. I thank you that you have prepared a place for me in advance and I trust that you will get me there. I surrender this whole thing to you.” Despite the fear, deep down I did trust God would take care of me. I made living arrangements with these two girls that seemed amazing. The rent was cheap, the girls were awesome, it seemed perfect. Only immediately after I said, “Yes, I’m in! Let’s make it final!” I felt really unsettled. I prayed that night and very clearly I heard, “Heather, this isn’t what I have for you.” I literally looked up to God and said, “Are you serious!?” I told my friend Jeri what happened the next day. She prayed that God would give me clarity and if it wasn’t his will for me to live there, that he would shut the door and I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. The next morning the girl I was supposed to live with called and left me a voicemail that it wasn’t going to work out. I would have been devastated, but God had prepared me. The only good thing about God saying “This isn’t what I have for you” is, there must be something he DOES have for you! With only weeks before the start of school I went on the churches website where people can list if they are looking for housing. The very first post on the board was a young family from the church looking for someone to rent out a room in their home. They sounded awesome, so I immediately responded. I had a really good feeling about it. Long story short, after Skyping with several other people who also responded, they offered me the room in their home and I accepted. This time I felt so much peace about it. There are so many amazing God stories tied into this whole sequence of events that I would love to share but it would be the longest post ever (if it isn’t already!). But what motivated me to create this post was this…
Tonight when I came home the amazing people I live with told me they decided on a name for the puppy they will be getting in a few weeks. They are going to name him MAX! =) I had totally forgotten what God had said until that moment when all the sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks…wow, this is exactly where I am supposed to be. He had a plan for my life 9 months ago that didn’t change because I was inadequate to live up to what I thought he wanted of me. He did it. He got me here. I was fearful, I had doubts, I was lacking and weak in every way, but God came through…just like he always does. I know I am called to change the world, but that is an overwhelming task. But now I see that it isn’t by my strength that the plan for my life will be fulfilled. It is through my willingness to listen to what He has to say and follow wherever He leads. If you finished reading this post, thank you for sticking through to the end! God has an amazing plan for your life and he has so much to tell you is you only take the time and listen. The world is waiting!
Psalm 40:5 Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Overwhelmed in the Best Way Possible...
If you know me at all, it is not uncommon for me to answer "How are you?" with "Overwhelmed!" I suppose that could be taken a number of different ways. Overwhelmed with things to do, overwhelmed with emotions, ideas, problems, insights, revelations, plans, fears...the list goes on and on! To be overwhelmed means to "bury or drown beneath a huge mass." Throughout my life there have been people who have tried to dig me out from beneath that huge mass. Ultimately, God rescued me from a world that completely overwhelmed me. Today I am overwhelmed in a totally different way than I was in the past. Instead of being overwhelmed with the pain, the confusion, the duties and the weight of a world full suffering that I felt ill equipped to make a difference in, I am overwhelmed by the love of God. I am overwhelmed by His goodness, His faithfulness and His ability to communicate with me in such an intimate way. I tend to experience things intensely, therefore I become overwhelmed by my experiences. But my experiences today are a far cry from my experiences five years ago. My hope is that this Blog would be an outlet to those things that overwhelm me in the best way possible.
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