So, it's four in the morning and my heart won't let me sleep. There are two very real realities going on simultaneously that I feel a complete lack of words to describe...but I will try. I have heard it said (though I can't remember where) that if you find yourself thinking more about the past than dreaming of the future, you have already begun to die. Tonight I find myself in a strange state where scenes from my past keep popping into my mind. Things that I once had and have lost; things that I never had and have since found. Memories that make me laugh, and more that make me cry. Love that I thought I knew only to find out it wasn't what I had thought. Pain I knew all to well that has shaped me into who I am today. As I recount the various chapters of my life I wonder...how did I end up here?? I am so far from the girl I once was. I have the most amazing opportunity to be amongst the most passionate people I have ever met who are literally going to change the world...and I can't believe God got me here. I used to wake up everyday and think "I know there is more to life than what I'm experiencing...there has to be more than this." Now I wake up and think, "This is exactly where I am meant to be, this is what I was created for." One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I look back at some of the things in my past, and I know they were not a part of God's original design for my life. Love is a choice, and God loves us enough to give us freewill. With that comes the risk that we will choose things that God never intended to be a part of our lives. But his Grace is so amazing, that at any point we can turn our hearts to him, and in His mercy and Grace he will take every hurt, every pain, every lost thing we thought we might never recover and use it for the good. It completely amazes me, and tonight it has my head spinning with awe and gratitude at what God has done in my life. As equally as my heart is pained for the way it once was, it is filled with overwhelming joy with the thought of the beauty that God is going to make from the ashes. So as I lay in bed with my heart pounding and my wheels spinning I thought I would take the time to write out some of my thoughts. The word testimony comes from the hebrew word "do again"...meaning what he has done for me he can do for another. He uses everything. He wastes nothing. The second we position our hearts towards God there will be no struggle that was in vain. There will be no mistake that won't be used to teach another. There will be no experience that he wont use to change the world. And he will bring us to places we cannot even imagine, to do things we cannot even fathom. If we could only see what God sees. It is time to dream...and to dream big.
Psalm 126
"When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them. "
